I have lost myself

"I have lost myself again Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, yeah I think that I might break Lost myself again and I feel unsafe"

(Breathe Me" by Sia)

A beautiful and accomplished woman in her late 30s, we've been meeting for a few weeks now. Our conversations began with childhood memories (elementary school age), but quickly transitioned to talk about her. She shared about her life before, the home she grew up in, trying to remember more about herself before becoming a mother, trying to understand where she disappeared to. One day, she sat across from me and said, "Sometimes, it feels like too much. It's like being in a movie where I'm one of the characters, but I don't really connect with the character that is supposed to be me. When the girls were babies, I was completely there with them. Today, it feels like they don't need me anymore. And sometimes, it feels like they are pushing me away, and I feel frustrated and angry and don't know where to place myself. I get hurt by the illogical nonsense they say to me, and I know I shouldn't, but it's stronger than me. Even at work, it's nice, and I'm good at what I do, but it doesn't fulfill me. And I don't even know what will."

"I'm okay most of the time. I'm not in depression or anything like that, but I can't seem to feel joy. Truth be told, only when I get angry, I feel something. My anger somehow gives legitimacy to my emotions."

This journey inward into the soul is very delicate and intricate. It feels a bit like dreams. We listen to her story and gently try to grasp the edges of things, creating connections. And in those moments, things become clearer and start to make sense.