Why my child doesn't listen to me?

Do you know that feeling when your child drives you crazy? Annoying the younger siblings? misbehaving, making a mess, doesn’t listen to what you ask him?, they know it's not acceptable to us, as we've explained a million times, But in those moments, it seems impossible to reach him, It's like he's doing the exact opposite of what we said, or ignoring us, And those are the moments when "the behavior demon" jumps out, These are the moments when we find ourselves yelling, threatening, punishing... (And then at night, when we review our day, our hearts ache...) Sometimes it works, and the child stops and straightens up, But there are times when nothing seems to help, and instead of complying, It seems like he's ignoring us or even smiling or laughing as if he doesn't care... How frustrating! Now it feels like the child doesn't respect me, "Maybe it's because I'm too soft," He has no boundaries, I have no authority... It's so disheartening to be there! During these moments, most parents might feel that what's needed here is to increase the pressure, But sometimes there's simply no way to do that! When we only focus on the behavior, Many times, we may think that what's happening here is an undisciplined child who needs tougher measures. But the truth is, through more understanding and empathetic eyes, We always seek to go deeperand see what’s beneath the behavior. Into the world of emotions, needs, insecurities... When we look under we will see a child who seems indifferent to our distress, yelling, and threats might be a child covered in armor. He has something heavy on his heart at the moment. When he laughs at me after I scold him, he's not doing it on purpose. He's not choosing that. Maybe he doesn't even feel the distress, because his brain has closed the door to emotions. What I see here is not necessarily a cheeky child, but rather a child who is well-protected. Armor is like an automatic mechanism, and it's the brain's way of protecting itself from overwhelming experiences. It's as if I have a boss at work who keeps shouting at me endlessly - if I don't quit, after some time, his shouts will lose their power over me. I can't be constantly alarmed. So, sometimes, this armor emerges due to an overused anxiety mechanism that's already been triggered, But sometimes, it arises because the child is simply very sensitive, Perhaps he gets hurt so easily, Perhaps the world presents too much for him, Something is shutting him down within this protective shell. He's not necessarily choosing this. What he needs here is not stronger sanctions, not more pressure, But, first of all - understanding that there's a struggling child here. A child who's covered in armor, And beneath it, there's often a soft and sensitive heart, Right there, beneath the troubling behavior. What he needs from you is not to become tougher, But to help him soften and dissolve the armor.

How do we soften this armor? It won't happen in a day. But in general, We emphasize a few things:

We work on the relationship system.

When the connection with us is secure, there's minimal emotional detachment, and the child can trust us - his brain can relax and slowly remove the armor (like with the northern wind and the sun).

Our leading role,

Because, in order to soften the armor, a child needs a caring and empathetic guide who gives him a hand on the way. Here, it's crucial to separate the incident from the education itself, from intervention, And remember not to take this behavior personally! The child isn't really acting against us - There's something to be done there, and I'll attach a link for some strategies.

Softening the armor.

This is one of the biggest and most important challenges we face as parents. Because there's a price to the armor - in the depth of the connection, in behavior, in emotional maturation. Softening the armor of a child is not easy, But it's truly rewarding. And there's nothing quite like meeting the soft heart that lies beneath.

Have you experienced your child with armor at some point? What helped you?